


Don't Give Up (?) by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Angst, Hurt Kirk, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pre Slash and Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-18
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-07 08:44:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10356603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: Jim all but entirely admits his love for Spock to their mutual friend, McCoy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Jim all but entirely admits his love for Spock to their mutual friend, McCoy.
> 
> Categories: Fiction  
> Characters: McCoy  
> Crossover Fandom: None  
> Genres: Kirk/Spock Pre-Slash  
> Other Languages: None  
> Story Type: Angst, Hurt/Comfort  
> Trope (OPTIONAL): Hurt Kirk  
> Universe: ST:TOS Original Universe  
> Warnings: None  
> Series: None  
> Chapters: 1 Table of Contents  
> Completed: Yes Word count: 1616 Read Count: 314

Don’t Give Up (?)

“Try not to find yourself a woman with a string of jealous boyfriends still swarming around her next time..!” McCoy patched Jim up. He’d found himself having to fight in a bar on shore leave, when one man and said man’s friends, wouldn’t back down, after Jim got chatting to the wrong female… “One day, you could get reported; the great and well known Jim Kirk in a bar brawl.”

“I know.” Jim said, trying to keep his patience. “I’m sorry.”

McCoy smiled gently, putting his hand on Jim’s shoulder. “I know you are, and don’t beat yourself up even more. You’re not quite a reliability. You don’t need to be reported. That’s not why I’m saying this.” He paused. “Matters of the heart are never easy. My Grandpa, I heard him say once; ‘Love from the soul, and be sure that it is the soul you love the most.’” Bones quoted.

“Even when you do that, it’s tough.” Jim noted.

“I’ll grant you that.” Leonard H. McCoy agreed. “You should still try it though, Jim.”

“I do, a lot of the time.” Jim looked to his friend.

“I know that, too – Just don’t give up is all I’m saying… I know that choices are often painful for you, no matter what.” Len replied.

“I’m not going to flake as Captain.” Jim countered.

“I told you, I’m not talking to you from any kind of fear that you will, Jim. We know you can be trusted. I’m sorry. I should just stay quiet once in a while.” McCoy answered.

“Even if I did concentrate entirely on loving from my soul, and loving a soul… Even if I didn’t find these women for fun – why I choose this, that, them, I don’t entirely know.” Jim mused. His words weren’t untrue. “It just happened once, and now, I’m this Lady’s Man figure, and I live by it because I like women. So, I, apparently, make some kind of bee-line for them. They’re my choice - For better, or worse. To go on the heart and soul route, in a big way - it would still just cause pain and issues for me – and –whoever- into the bargain. I don’t want that to be the case.“ Jim paused over putting his words together. “It’s not like I always knew that something different would present itself, that I’d see love in ‘new’ eyes, in another light. It honestly isn’t true to say that I ever, before, felt like I was living my personal life wrongly by choosing these women – until now. Now, I see that it’s not what I want. I don’t want to get too introspective about why I still chase after a pretty female form like I do. I know I will always treat women with the greatest of respect, though some would say that flitting between so many of them isn’t that respectful. I like women. So, I’ll always do my best to be good and kind and somewhat charming toward them, but, I concede that, maybe, I’m looking for love in the wrong place. I should probably retire my title of Captain Casanova. Yet, I think about my heart in all of this, and it isn’t that simple. Living this life puts so many rules on a person, so many limitations and stipulations. I’m not ashamed to truly love. I want that, and I twigged the fact, some time ago, that being a skirt chaser isn’t the answer. That’s an old, outdated term, but you know what I mean..?” Jim looked up, and saw McCoy nod that he understood the term that had been used. “Even if I am somehow capable of settling down with a woman – I don’t think I should, to be honest. I’m here, with Enterprise, the ship that has given me so much – I can’t deny that. I don’t want to, because, on this ship, are the most vital, most important souls in my life, and yet, somehow, because I don’t want to walk away. I’m just… Well, I’m stuck, with things as they are – and I know I’m not the only one who can identify with all that that entails.”

McCoy had known his friend for years now, and, at this moment, he recounted, in his memory, how he knew that Jim had once uttered words something like ‘all I want, all I ask for, is a beach to walk upon, and a Beautiful woman to walk beside me’; he knew Jim had said those words, and yet Leonard H. McCoy, had an instinct that now (at the very least), his friend, Jim, was not pining after Yeoman Janice Rand, or any other woman/female, for that matter. He knew that Jim valued every soul on Enterprise – so, his mention of those most vital and important souls in his life being here, wasn’t inaccurate, nor was it a surprise to his Doctor, one of two best friends the man had – but, even as he stood there before Jim, Leonard McCoy was beginning to figure that he, as Jim’s friend, not just his Doctor and CMO, knew that, as much as Jim would give up himself, or, yes, if he absolutely had to, any one member of his crew to save the whole, to, therefore, do right by the masses (as everybody’s duty here Commanded of them), the man who was Captain really did have the one most vital, most personally important soul in his life, right here with him in daily life on-board this ship. McCoy was secure in the fact that he, too, was tremendously valued by Jim. They, too, were best friends – but Jim’s one to love from the soul, his one person most exquisitely and profoundly, intrinsically, (and, yes, - especially with things as they were right now – excruciatingly-) vital, was someone else within the closely knit (alpha members of the Bridge crew) group, among the most highly ranked Officers aboard. McCoy was, he realised, more than ever, certain of this fact in Jim’s life now. With that thought still running through his mind presently, he put his hand to Jim’s shoulder again, sympathetically.

Jim looked at him kindly, gratefully.

“Don’t give up on” McCoy nearly said who he was thinking of, and whom he had an instinct that Jim was thinking of, too – but he figured he shouldn’t, perhaps, say that much aloud. “Don’t give up, Jim.” He then did dare to say. “I’m not telling you to fling duty aside, but, somehow, I just don’t think you have enough reason to give up on the matter entirely. I’ve usually got a good instinct on what is best for my patients, and my friends, what is in their hearts. Besides, you need to be a whole and happy person in life. Even if, perhaps, especially if, you have the responsibilities of a Starship on your shoulders.” He smiled, again kindly, at the same time thinking that he always would hope that his instincts never let anyone down. “Don’t give up.”

Jim looked at Bones, his friend, Doctor McCoy, reading him as best he could – and thinking about one matter of the heart, and soul, as he did so – Jim knew one thing. He hoped, still did, probably always would, that the words his friend, Bones, had just uttered, were true, and right, and NOT something to let go of – because he’d tried, Jim had definitely tried, hard, to let go of certain notions and feelings in this matter of the heart; holding, as he did, within him, a real fear that if he didn’t try, the rules and regulations would be proved right by proving him wrong for being so ‘reckless’ and ‘sefish’… “Thanks.” Jim, the friend, grinned, as he, yet again was considering that he, Jim Kirk, the man, knew that, for all his fear of failing anyone, or particularly someone, at any time –say, in the future, he’d, honestly, failed thus far to give up that which was definitely in his heart and soul; try as he did to ‘ignore’ it sitting deeply rooted within him, so that he could get on with things as they were. Anything more would be risking failing his crew, his people, his loved ones, wouldn’t it? – But- Was he failing someone in particular, someone also with him in the here and now (?) - by not admitting to his true feelings, and following up that admission of these feelings with trying to live by them? Jim sometimes thought of how he, matter of factly, did wish that that idea was the one that was correct in all of this; because then, he, James T. Kirk, just a man, but also a Starship Captain, and a Starfleet Officer, would have enough of an excuse to change his current course of action, or inaction. If he was indeed failing by keeping quiet, not by wanting to voice his emotions of love out aloud; he could then deeply follow his heart… “I find myself hoping and praying that you’re right, my friend.” Jim spoke up, and told his friend, Len McCoy, who’d come to his Quarters, to patch him up in relative privacy. Still, Jim could not confide everything, but he had now confided that much of the truth at least.

The End..? 10.2.16


End file.
